Things That are Bad to Step on Whilst Barefoot (In no Particular Order)

Some things are just bad to step on or in, especially when not wearing boots, shoes, or galoshes. The author does not condone stepping on any of these for fun or by accident. Call your doctor immediately if this happens to you.

spilled coffee groundsCoffee grounds. Dry grounds that missed the coffee maker will stick to the soles of your feet and the caffeine will seep into your system just before bedtime.

Chicken poop. Any poop, really, but especially chicken poop. There’s a reason they specifically call someone a “chickenshit.”

Chicken poop with hay mixed in. Although it’s fun to pull on the hay to see if you can remove the entire clump in one piece.

pile of Lego blocksLego blocks. Parents know this to be true.

Duplo Blocks. Not as sharp as regular Lego blocks, but big enough to be ankle breakers.

Those really tiny Lego blocks they make for babies to hold with their tiny little hands. These can also seep into the soles of your feet if you don’t act quickly.

Wet cement. Do you know how much heat is generated as cement dries?

Lava. Do you know how much heat is generated when lava is born?

Hot coals. Do you know how much heat is generated when you perform a stupid ritual like this?

Spent Fireworks. Do you know how much heat is still there even after several minutes? Celebrate your independence safely.

Bed of nails. These do not generate much heat unless they have been sitting out in the sun for hours.

slim goodbodySomeone’s entrails. To be honest, this is indicative of a much worse problem.

Your own entrails. To be honest, this is indicative of a much, much worse problem.

Endive salad. To be honest, this is only on the list because I often confuse the words “entrails” and “endive,” with one being being something you eat in a salad, and the other being something you eat if you are a zombie.endive salad

Gum. Unpleasant though it may feel, when this seeps into the soles of your feet, it will make your blood smell like spearmint, which is actually kind of cool. Except you can’t smell it unless you’re bleeding. Which is so not cool.

The ashes of a famous serial killer. When this seeps into the soles of your feet, it will let him take over your body.

A bottomless pit. Although to be fair, since there’s no bottom, you’d never hit the floor. But you would probably scrape yourself on the sides something fierce, and it would be hard to climb out without your shoes.

The ocean, after a freighter from Denmark capsizes and spills millions of Lego blocks into the sea, and they wash up on on the beach and in the shallow surf. This will ruin your vacation.

dogs in motion
Pets. In the interest of kindness, you generally should not step on your pets. As a helpful reminder, remember this palindrome: STEP ON NO PETS.

So let’s be careful out there!

Cheer Up! Lots of People Didn’t Die in 2016 !

dumpster fireEveryone keeps referring to 2016 as the dumpster fire that never quit burning. It seemed like every few days someone who made a brilliant mark on this world died. But it wasn’t all bad… here are some folks who didn’t die in 2016 . (I waited until 12:01 AM, January 1 to post it just to make sure no one on the list died at the last minute.)

james stewart
James Stewart

catwoman joker
Cesar Romero and Eartha Kitt

bob denver
Bob Denver (Little Buddy!)

Abraham Lincoln
Abe Lincoln

helen keller
Helen Keller

This inflatable dinosaur and friends

kurt cobain
Kurt Cobain

lemmy motorhead
Lemmy from Møtørhead

ronald reaganRonald Reagan

ray nitschke
Ray Nitschke

styx albums
That Guy from Styx (No, that other guy)

charles schulz
Charles Schulz

matchbox flying bug
The Guy driving this car

jon lovitz
Jon Lovitz

Paul Newman
Paul Newman

nighthawks edward hopperJames Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart and that guy behind the counter in that famous painting.

Doesn’t that make you feel better?