Howdy, folks! I write to you from my secret bunker on the second floor of an apartment in Wilmington, on the coast of North Carolina, where a bunch of rain is falling. Hurricane/Tropical Storm Idalia approaches.
It’s kind of 50-50 at the moment whether one should evacuate or hunker down. Either way, I’m stocking up on nonperishable food that requires neither refrigeration nor heat should the power go out or if I need to toss it in the car and bolt for my life. I got PBJ, Cheez-its, and Pop-Tarts.
To save space in case of evacuation, I am taking these things out of their boxes but keeping them in their protective/identifying bags/envelopes.
PBJ and bread, still in their efficient containers. All good. Also, I packed some utensils just in case.
Cheez-Its… sorry, Cheez-It crackers… Good to go. The bags are not labeled, but they are translucent enough for an expert such as myself to tell the Hot-n-Spicy ones from the Cheddar Cheese Grooves variants.
Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts… oh, Pop-Tarts. What the actual shit, Kellogg’s?
Different types of Pop-Tarts are clearly marked on the box at the grocery store. There are like 37 different “flavors” available at any given time, and I put “flavors” in quotes because some of these are NOT flavors. At least not ones that are canon in my realm of toaster pastries.
Banana Bread? Watermelon? Chocolate Sundae? Bubble Gum? Look at this clown show! What the hell is this shit?
Now here’s the problem… In my haste to prepare for this impending weather event, I dumped all my boxes of Pop-Tarts out on the counter to put the foil-wrapped twin packs in the bag, and…
Again, WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT, KELLOGG’S? There is no way to distinguish one foil pack of Pop-Tarts from another by flavor. They all have the SAME EXACT GRAPHICS! And there is no expiration date on those foil packs.
“But Ron,” you might ask reasonably, “Do those things reallly need an expiration date?
No. They’re like Twinkies. They last forever.
IF YOU PUT A DAMN DATE ON THEM, I HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE OF FIGURING OUT WHICH ONES FROM MY CUPBOARD ARE WATERMELON FLAVORED. THE ONES I BOUGHT AT THE BEHEST OF MY NIECE AND NEPHEW WHEN THEY VISITED A COUPLE YEARS AGO!!!
So why didn’t I think to mark them? I dunno… WHY THE HELL DIDN’T KELLOGG’S THINK TO MARK THEM?
I am not a multi-billion dollar food and merchandising conglomerate. I am just some guy who wants to survive a weather event. Stop trying to kill me.
Oh, and Twinkies. Easy to identify, and they last forever.
Ron Ruelle’s new book “Anchovies & Ice Cream” is available now at http://www.ronruelle.com/ronbooks.html.