It’s been reported that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady eats a super strict diet of very boring food every day, which is perhaps the key to him playing at the peak of his talent as he nears the age of 40. I have a different theory…
Scene: Patriots training camp, 2001: A young Tom Brady sits on the bench admiring the starter, Drew Bledsoe practicing. A shadowy, menacing figure sits next to him.
Shadowy, Menacing Figure: That could be you someday.
Tom Brady: Gosh, I don’t know. He’s pretty good.
SMF: I could perhaps help you to become the starting quarterback.
TB: That would be… hey, who are you?
SMF: Let’s just say I can make anything happen for a small price. You want to be the starting QB for the Patriots?
TB: Sure, that’d be neat.
SMF: Great, I can arrange for a little “accident…”
TB: Whoa, you can’t kill Mr. Bledsoe!
SMF: No, no, no…. I would never do that. Well, actually, I could do that sort of thing, but maybe he could get a little injury, just enough to put you in the game. Just to give you a chance to shine. Then you do the rest. Fair enough?
TB: I dunno…
SMF: Look, he can’t play forever! He’s had a great career! Time for him to let you have a crack at it!
TB: I guess so… Wait, if he can’t play forever, then I can’t play forever, either. I want to play forever! Can we make that part of the deal?
SMF: Hmmm… How ’bout you play into your 40s, as one of the all time “elite” quarterbacks? And then you gracefully retire when you’re ready, at the top of your game! Bunch of titles, lots of records, Hall of Fame…
TB: Okay, but I want to make lots of money, too!
SMF: Ouch. That’s tricky… You can get paid pretty well, but there’s a salary cap. Hard to circumvent that sort of thing. Unless…
TB: Unless what?
SMF: How ‘bout your supermodel wife gets to make as much money as possible?
TB: Wait, I get to marry a supermodel?
SMF: Sure, why not? And she’ll be really cool with a great personality.
TB: Wait, is she attractive?
SMF: She’s a supermodel!
TB: It’s just that you said she has a “great personality.” Anytime someone first says, “she has a great personality,” they’re usually suggesting she might not be that attractive. I don’t mean to be shallow…
SMF: She. Is. A. Super. Model. Amazingly good looks kind of goes with the territory. You have my word. Anyway, she can be the breadwinner, to skirt around your salary cap issue. And you can make commercials and stuff, too.
TB: Okay. But I want us to be happily married the whole time.
SMF: Dang, that’s where I usually get everyone! That’s where I got Tiger Woods!
TB: The golfer?
SMF: Yep! He forgot to ask me about getting along with his supermodel wife forever. Just wait, that is gonna be a doozy!
TB: There’s always a catch, right?
SMF: Well, that’s how it works. Anyway, what do you think? Long, fantastic career as a football player, more money than you can ever spend, supermodel wife with a good personality, what could possibly go wrong?
TB: Do I get to win all the time?
SMF: Not all the time. First, that would look highly suspicious. Second, it would get boring. Third… other people have wishes that need to be fulfilled too. But you get to win a lot.
TB: Makes sense. Mister, you have a deal! Where do I sign?
SMF: HA! Gotcha! Here’s the catch… you never get to eat pizza again! Or Mexican food! Or beer! You will subsist on a diet of quinoa, simple grains, boring vegetables and lean meat! Bwahahahahaha!
TB: But I love quinoa!
SMF: Aw, crud. Oh well, a deal’s a deal.
TB: Cool, what’s your name?
SMF: Just call me “Coach.”
As for my Super Bowl Preview… Patriots 38, Falcons 31. Enjoy the game!