Scene: Wendy’s, Wednesday, 12:32 PM, Boulder Colorado
Customer (AKA me, AAKA the Handsome Man), approaching counter with a partially wrapped burger minus a single bite removed from it: Excuse me…
Minimally Compensated Employee Behind Counter: Hello… Is there a problem with your order?
CAMAHM: Why yes, there is. For you see, my Junior Bacon Cheeseburger is missing a key ingredient.
MCEBC: I am truly sorry to hear that. Is it missing the cheese?
CAMAHM: No, there’s plenty of cheese, thank you. Nope, you can see the cheese.
MCEBC: Perhaps the letuce? Or the tomatoes?
CAMAHM: No, no, something more integral to the concept of “Junior Bacon Cheeseburger.”
MCEBC: The very burger itself! You’re missing the patty! Oh, dear!
CAMAHM: No, the patty appears to be there, minus a single bite of discovery.
MCEBC: Whew! You wouldn’t believe how often that happens here. Glad to hear the patty is there.
CAMAHM: Guess again?
MCEBC: Well, I can clearly see the bun.
CAMAHM: There is in fact, a bun. No dispute there. It’s something else. Something important. Think hard.
MCEBC: Is it the cheese?
CAMAHM: NO, IT’S NOT THE CHEESE!
MCEBC: We determined it’s not the burger patty, right?
CAMAHM: OH. MY. GOD. IT’S THE BACON!!!
MCEBC: What bacon?
CAMAHM: THE BACON THAT SHOULD BE ON THE BURGER! THE VERY BACON THAT DEFINES THE CONCEPT OF “BACON BURGER!!!”
MCEBC: Oh, I see where the confusion lies. You were expecting bacon.
CAMAHM: UMMM… YES!!!!! IT’S THE ESSENCE OF A BACON BURGER ITSELF!!
MCEBC: Yes, but this is a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. The removal of the bacon is what makes it “Junior Bacon Cheeseburger.” Otherwise, it’s kind of “big” and not at all “junior.”
CAMAHM: What am I missing here?
MCEBC: Well, not the bacon. I think I made it clear that due to its intentional removal, there isn’t supposed to be bacon, therefore, it’s not “missing.”
CAMAHM: That’s absurd.
MCEBC: I agree. Rather than removing the bacon, I think they shouldn’t put it on there in the first place. Put the bacon on, then remove it… Ugh. Way more efficient if you just skip that step. Plus, if you put it on and then forget to remove it, folks end up with bacon on their burgers, and that would be weird.
CAMAHM: Umm… look, okay… sorry for the misinterpretation… Can you just please give just me a couple slices of roasted pig flesh and I’ll be on my way? I’ll even pay for it.
MCEBC: We can’t sell bacon a la carte. There’s no button on the register for that. Besides, you already have pig-based meat on your sandwich.
CAMAHM: I see only beef.
MCEBC: Right. Beef. As in “Hamburger.” As in “made from pigs.”
CAMAHM: It’s beef.
MCEBC: Right. What part of “hamburger” don’t you understand?
CAMAHM: The part where they call it “ham” despite being beef?
MCEBC: Well, same thing. Only in this case, the “not including bacon” burger is called the “Junior Bacon” burger.
CAMAHM: That’s a dumb name.
MCEBC: So is “hamburger.” Oh wait, no, it’s ham in burger form. It’s a perfect name. Look, if you wanted not-pig, you should have ordered a Junior Bacon Beefburger.
CAMAHM: Would that have included bacon?
MCEBC: Yes, but not cheese. No cheese in the name. See, no confusion at all.
CAMAHM: Fine, can I please get a Junior Bacon Beefburger?
MCEBC: No. There’s no such thing on the menu. Where did you even get that idea?
CAMAHM: So how do I get a beef patty, bacon, and cheese all on one burger?
MCEBC: Order the Spicy Ranch Chicken Wrap.
CAMAHM: Why would they call it that?
MCEBC: Dunno. Because it sure doesn’t have spicy ranch sauce on it. Or chicken, obviously. And it’s really more of a flatbread.
CAMAHM: I don’t care what it doesn’t have!
MCEBC: And yet you’re complaining about your burger not having bacon.
CAMAHM: FINE! Just give me a bun. With Bacon. And Cheese. And some sort of patty. Chicken, beef, horsemeat, I don’t care!
MCEBC: I’m afraid I can’t do that.
CAMAHM: Why not?
MCEBC (mumbling): We’re out of horsemeat.
CAMAHM: THERE’S NO HORSEMEAT IN BEEF!
MCEBC (mumbling): Shhhhh…. Please, keep your voice down.
MCEBC (mumbling): We don’t want people to know we’re out of horsemeat. That’s what makes the ham in the burger really sing.
CAMAHM: People… actually… want horsemeat… in their burgers?
MCEBC: You mean people don’t not want to not have horsemeat in their burgers?
CAMAHM: OH. MY. GOD. JUST GIVE ME A BUN WITH SOME COMBINATION OF BACON, BEEF, AND CHEESE!
MCEBC: That would be cruel to cows.
CAMAHM: I thought you said hamburger was made from pigs!
MCEBC: And horses. Cheese is made from cows. But whatever. One Senior Bacon Cheeseburger coming up.
CAMAHM: You know what I really want? A refund.
MCEBC: Sure. You want fries with that?