{"id":471,"date":"2023-08-30T23:03:27","date_gmt":"2023-08-30T23:03:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/?p=471"},"modified":"2023-11-30T04:20:55","modified_gmt":"2023-11-30T04:20:55","slug":"what-the-shit-pop-tarts-are-you-trying-to-kill-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/2023\/08\/30\/what-the-shit-pop-tarts-are-you-trying-to-kill-me\/","title":{"rendered":"What the Shit, Pop-Tarts… Are You Trying to Kill Me?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Howdy, folks! I write to you from my secret bunker on the second floor of an apartment in Wilmington, on the coast of North Carolina, where a bunch of rain is falling. Hurricane\/Tropical Storm Idalia approaches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Real Pop-Tarts flavors. Strawberry sans frosting, Cherry with frosting, Blueberry with frosting.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s kind of 50-50 at the moment whether one should evacuate or hunker down. Either way, I’m stocking up on nonperishable food that requires neither refrigeration nor heat should the power go out or if I need to toss it in the car and bolt for my life. I got PBJ, Cheez-its, and Pop-Tarts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To save space in case of evacuation, I am taking these things out of their boxes but keeping them in their protective\/identifying bags\/envelopes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PBJ and bread, remain in their efficient containers. All good. Also, I packed some utensils just in case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cheez-Its\u2026 sorry, Cheez-It crackers<\/em>\u2026 Good to go. The bags are not labeled, but they are translucent enough for an expert such as myself to tell the Hot-n-Spicy ones from the Cheddar Cheese Grooves variants.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts\u2026 oh, Pop-Tarts. What the actual shit, Kellogg\u2019s?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Different types of Pop-Tarts are clearly marked on the box at the grocery store. There are like 37 different \u201cflavors\u201d available at any given time, and I put \u201cflavors\u201d in quotes because some of these are NOT flavors. At least not ones that are canon in my realm of toaster pastries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"bad
Apple Jacks? Banana Bread? Brown Sugar Cinnamon? Cookies & Creme? What frresh Hell is this?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Banana Bread? Watermelon? Chocolate Sundae? Bubble Gum? Look at this clown show! What the hell is this shit?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now here\u2019s the problem\u2026 In my haste to prepare for this impending weather event, I dumped all my boxes of Pop-Tarts out on the counter to put the foil-wrapped twin packs in the bag, and\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Pop
Which flavor is which? I have no idea!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Again, WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT, KELLOGG\u2019S? There is no way to distinguish one foil pack of Pop-Tarts from another by flavor. They all have the SAME EXACT GRAPHICS! And there is no expiration date on those foil packs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut Ron,\u201d you might ask reasonably, \u201cDo those things reallly<\/em> need an expiration date?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No. They’re like Twinkies. They last forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Pop
No markings. No flavors. No expiration dates.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

But\u2026.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

IF YOU PUT A DAMN DATE ON THEM, I HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE OF FIGURING OUT WHICH ONES FROM MY CUPBOARD ARE WATERMELON FLAVORED. THE ONES I BOUGHT AT THE BEHEST OF MY NIECE AND NEPHEW WHEN THEY VISITED A COUPLE YEARS AGO!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So why didn\u2019t I think to mark them? I dunno\u2026 WHY THE HELL DIDN\u2019T KELLOGG\u2019S<\/em> THINK TO MARK THEM?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not a multi-billion dollar food and merchandising conglomerate. I am just some guy who wants to survive a weather event. Stop trying to kill me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, and Twinkies. Easy to identify, and they last forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Ron Ruelle\u2019s new book \u201cAnchovies & Ice Cream\u201d is available now at http:\/\/www.ronruelle.com\/ronbooks.html<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Howdy, folks! I write to you from my secret bunker on the second floor of an apartment in Wilmington, on the coast of North Carolina, where a bunch of rain is falling. Hurricane\/Tropical Storm Idalia approaches. It\u2019s kind of 50-50 at the moment whether one should evacuate or hunker down. Either way, I’m stocking up … Continue reading “What the Shit, Pop-Tarts… Are You Trying to Kill Me?”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":479,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,2,1,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-471","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-people","category-rants","category-uncategorized","category-wtf"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/471","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=471"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/471\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":501,"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/471\/revisions\/501"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/479"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=471"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=471"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ronruelle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=471"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}